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By Mrs. Chuck Torso
First I'd like to tell you about a foreign European movie called Man Bites Dog. It was a lovely film, probably French or Eskimo (somewhere in Europe) about a man who really cared about his friends and family, his hobbies and his work. Some of you readers might balk at how I warmed to this movie, just because the main character was a serial killer. All I can say to you bleedin' heart fools is that the man took pride in his work. Human butchering is not just a sport. Sometimes it's a source of pride. Truthfully though, I don't know if I'd recommend this to you. It's in black and white. That can't be good for the eyes.
There I go, sounding like my husband Chuck and my son Wolf again. Viewer, let's see you spend all day and night in a fast speeding camper van with these two Charlie Mansons and a teenage daughter whose latest trick is to pop cherry bombs out of her pink cooter. It can be a little disillusioning. All they talk about is crime and literature. Movies are my only saving grace! Well, that and my coconut rum smoothies. I don't know what hurts more, the cherry bombs that keep wacking me in the back of the head or the fact that no one wants to watch the Home & Garden Network with me.
Moving on, kudos to Mister Rob Zombie for his fun-filled family flicks, House Of 1000 Corpses and The Devil's Rejects. That crazy clown Captain Spaulding (played by the yummy Sid Haig) is welcome in this camper van anytime for Kool-Aid and ambrosia salad! What a doll! Don't tell my husband, but I'd help the Captain dispose of a corpse any day!
And what about Monster, the movie that won pretty Charlize Theron her Oscar? While it certainly was lacking in the gags and laughs I find in most crime movies, it really showed me how unfunny it must be to be ugly. Not only was she courted by creepy guys in bad cars, but the way she got treated! Awful! I rooted for her when she started killing them off, those bastard men. It ended so sadly didn't it? Thank God none of it was true.
The best crime movie I want to talk about is Brian DePalma's Scarface. My daughter Cindy tells me that all of her customers at the truck stop, strip joint, and the massage parlor obsess over this movie. One gentleman was nice enough to lend Cindy the DVD, except that it was covered in a thin film of cocaine. I kept licking at it all throughout the movie, so I didn't even notice when a Goober got stuck in a rotten cavity! Hah!
In this foreign-language feature (be warned - they're all Hispanic!) Al Pacino plays a feisty Cuban go-getter who wholeheartedly believes in the American Dream. I thought that was wonderful. I just wish he believed in wearing clothes that weren't polyester! Yuck! Fabric should breathe!
I didn't think this almost perfect film could go south after the giggle-inducing shower scene and all that disco, but when Michelle Phieffer (so incredible in Batman Returns and Grease 2) leaves Pacino's character for reasons I wasn't too clear on, all I could think was: "Did he ask this thin, pretty blonde girl to drive a camper van at full speed at 3 a.m. from Throgs Neck to Newark?"
I wish I could be that thin, although I don't know how she did it. Yeah, she did a lot of coke, but you never saw her at Jenny Craig! And everybody knows only Jenny truly works! I know I try. Believe me you, driving a getaway camper van filled with junk food does not a thin, pretty blond girl make! You bet that there's an extra tire on this camper van, and it's sittin' above my Tuesday panties!
Well, Chuck and the kids just returned, and there's a questionable bleeding paper bag I need to attend to. If I've learned anything from watching crime DVDs, it's that you dispose of the evidence before sitting down to chicken-pot-pies and a nice game of travel Scrabble!
0 6 . 0 5 . 0 6
Perpetual Toxins © 2006-2007 - All Rights Reserved |
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eaders of Perpetual Toxins may be wondering why I haven't mentioned my first name. It's Doris. Doris Torso. Formerly Doris Louise O'Mullin of Cleveland, Ohio. I suppose, through marriage and motherhood, I left my sense of self behind and became whatever it was that my husband and children needed me to be. Lately that's been getaway driver, alibi supplier, medic, spiritual advisor, short-order cook, seamstress, mechanic, and whenever Chuck's pulled off a successful job or written a devastating chapter, love monkey supreme. It's thanks to my role in this criminal family, and my control over the DVD, that I have a pretty good idea which crime movies are worth watching, and which are worth putting Mafia contracts out on.
