Creative: From the Files of Mrs. Chuck Torso - 'Everything I Learned, I Learned From Wonder Woman'

By Mrs. Chuck Torso

indy, my little angel, picked her mama up some DVD boxed sets yesterday after her day shift at the Titty Twirl. She gets kinda bummed that we can't stay in any town longer than a week or two. Her stripping career needs some advancement and exposure, but what can we do? We're a family on the run. So because she was feelin' blue and I was feelin' blue for her, we dropped the boys off at a graveyard to dig for buried treasure, and we took in three power-packed seasons of Linda Carter as Wonder Woman.

First off, Wonder Woman came from an island of 1970s supermodel femme lesbians called the Amazons. Cindy says that they're "warrior princesses" but I say anybody that looks like a Stepford wife, even while wielding a javelin, can't be that tough. Debra Winger as Wonder Girl could sure throw a car like a frisbee, but would she be able to change its oil?

At this point, Cindy tells me that I'm missing the point of the show and that I oughta stop asking where Wonder Woman's designer holstor gowns go whenever she spins around in that computer graphic explosion to change into her superhero outfit. But little Cindy's neon stripper gear doesn't disappear, does it? No, her crap is all over the camper van, menacing me like any ol' supervillain Wonder Woman would have to take on.

As the episodes went on, I was certainly glad that our clan never has to face down a supermodel who can deflect bullets. Chuck would be a goner. I don't know what would do him in quicker; Wonder Woman's golden lasso of truth or her mega-babe boobage.

It's easy, as a regular gal, to get jealous of someone like Wonder Woman. She has an invisible plane; I don't. She has a beautiful costume that looks as if it's magically drycleaned by the Greek gods or something. I shoplift at Target, and they often don't have my size. As Diana Prince, her alter ego, Wonder Woman gets involved in some high-level government security, which I know Chuck would love to be involved in. He's always dreaming of robbing Fort Knox. Sadly though, Wonder Woman never has a man or kids. I guess that's par for the course for superheroes, but I couldn't help but feel a little sorry anytime Wonder Woman mooned over some child in trouble. I have two teens that're in trouble every day of their lives, and while I can't leap up buildings or bust down doors to save them, I apply my knowledge of microwavable cuisine and firearms to do the best I can.

Cindy says that Wonder Woman's supposed to empower us as women to do what we can in our own way, with our own brand of super-powers. If that's the case, then I was "fighting for our rights, in my satin tights" when I crashed the camper van through a dinky jail cell wall and busted Chuck and Wolf out of their cell. And Cindy, who certainly wears less than Wonder Woman, distracted the cops with what she calls her "suck 'n' spit" technique. I oughta ask that girl to explain to me what that means.

Maybe the Torso family is super in its own right. Yeah, we're not on the side of good like Wonder Woman is, but we're trying to do right by each other in the only ways we know how. I'm sure if we were do-gooders, we'd be just as supportive.

Now if you excuse me, Chuck just handed me some ancient finger he snapped off a corpse. There's a giant ruby ring on it calling my name stronger than any Bat Signal.

That Chuck! Oh boy, he certainly is this girl's version of a Superman.

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