By Mrs. Chuck Torso

ucky readers of Perpetual Toxins, I ask you, when does a woman's life get any easier? When do the shackles of motherhood and the strains of the marriage bed ease up? Even on Mother's Day, I was busy making a fake ID for my son Wolf, sewing new crotchless panties for my daughter Cindy, and in between disposing of a rookie cop's body and cooking up fish sticks and Jell-O, I had to assure my murderous maniac husband that his new collection of poetry was neither insipid nor jejune.

I didn't even get a damn card.

Can you sympathize with me then when I tell you that I could've killed my husband Chuck the other day? He tells me that we're bypassing Kentucky and heading home to Ohio to visit his parents! The police have APBs out on us, and I'm supposed to make nice-nice with my mother-in-law? The woman who's made a sport out of criticizing my cooking, my cleaning, how I've raised my children, and most damningly of all, how I dispose of my victims?!

Oprah herself couldn't reconcile the two of us! Besides, this woman has long since retired. She has no idea what it's like to be a criminal in a global police state these days. Everyone's on camera; everyone's profiled; everything's under surveillance. There are more cops than ever, and everything's all ATMs ATMs ATMs.

What does Phyllis Torso know about my life? The woman who claimed she once met Bonnie & Clyde? The liar who's idea of a wedding gift was an old and rusty gun?! Needless to say, I was less than thrilled about our detour to Cleveland.

The rest of the family, however, was head over heels to see Grandma and Grandpa Torso. Wolf and his boyfriend wanted to show off their marksmanship skills to that old buzzard, Gramps, while Cindy practiced her 'dance' moves in the big back yard. Chuck rummaged through his father's weapons cellar to stock up for our 'tour' of Indiana, while lucky me got stuck making dinner with my mother-in-law. Ugh.

There ain't much that scares me in this world; not cops or tear gas, life sentences without parole, or panty hose without control top. However, my husband's mother is a different beast entirely. Like Hatchet-Face from that John Waters film Cry-Baby, this woman is so tough she coulda been eatin' nails for breakfast. She makes yer pee go cold in your insides before you even hit the can.

I guess it all stems from the fact that I was pretty square when I first met Chuck and his brood. My dad and I were gassing up the ol' Chevy at a filler station when Chuck, his parents, and his slow brother, Leroy, pulled up to the station, robbed it and torched it. I was terrified and excited by these people, hillbilly and worldly, all at the same time. Somehow Chuck found time to rip off a piece of industrial towel from the burning men's room and write me the beginnings of a love poem on it. All I read was 'To the prettiest girl I almost killed today...' before my dad tore it out of my hands in disgust. Dad jumped into the ol' Chevy and sped off, fearful of the firebomb gas station igniting his car. I stood with Chuck as the fire went crazy like it does when you're cooking bacon in a pan. A minute later my dad realized I wasn't in the car. He drove back to the inferno, but I was gone, now a part of the Torso family. A year later there would be a wedding.

Now whenever we visit the older Torsos, I feel like that clumsy green kid again, all thumbs with machine guns. A wreck of a girl when it came to standoffs with the police!

I encouraged my mother-in-law to watch Monster-In-Law with me. It starred Jane Fonda and Jennifer Lopez, and oh boy, was it our story, despite the lack of crime and exhaust fumes and hemorrhoids from non-stop camper van driving.

This woman, Phyllis Torso, love her though I do for birthin' my husband, had the nerve to tell me, between shelling peas, that my DVD watchin' was a waste of time! She said I could be spending more time with my family if I wasn't always sittin' on my B-U-T-T watchin' movies and music videos!

Spend more time with my family?! Is she crazy? I thought it might all end with a shoot-out or knife fight in the back yard, but Lord above me, my family saved the day. They wanted to know how they could help. I was too amazed to speak.

My kids, setting the table? My husband, making salad dressing? Phyllis just smiled and went about as if we'd been having the best time.

I may not understand my mother-in-law, but visiting her can sometimes bring about happy surprises.

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