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By Mrs. Chuck Torso
The children, Cindy and Wolf, were thrilled to get a little vacation from cross-country crime and took it upon themselves to 'do as the natives do'. Cindy, thanks to the oppressing heat or not, wore as little clothes as possible and stripped her way from the Bronx to Queens. I mean, that girl filled a Hefty lawn bag with crumpled dollar bills. I was so proud of how she made the best out of a bad situation. Wolf used the heat wave to his advantage, that's for sure. He targeted ghettos and old folks homes and robbed all the tired, sweaty, overheated, dying people blind. Now you might find that behavior cruel, but any local rag can tell you that a bunch of old folks die every heat wave. Who was that money gonna help once those old prunes kicked the bucket? Their underpaid nurses would've robbed 'em anyhow. I think the readers of Perpetual Toxins ought to examine their own child-rearing ways before judging mine.
Sorry. Sorry for snapping at you, my loyal fans and followers, like that. It's just that we're still in New York City and it's still so hot. Chuck is off exploring literary haunts of his favorite writers, and he said something about holding up a few check cashing joints while we're here, but honestly, all I can think is "Peach Snapple, Peach Snapple..." I took in a few movies to beat the heat; Strangers With Candy and Another Gay Movie. Both were hysterical comedies and I laughed heartily, but truth be told, I was just as excited to see my droopy nipples stand at attention like nails. But yes, the DVD queen recommends these two films to ya'll. You gotta have a good sense of humor, and as a few lifelong bachelors in the audience told me, 'be truly fabulous, bitch.' I felt pretty fabulous after those hours in the air conditioned dark, like a pampered torture victim. I rounded out the night with tequila slammers at the Milk Bar in the East Village. They too had frigid air and my family was there, celebrating their extended weekend crimes with pitchers of margaritas! Cindy was even stripping for the patrons, despite them being too cool and New York to notice my lil' honey work her cooter off. She asked me if she should do her 'talking cooter' trick for the jaded hipsters. I just told her to have another margarita and let the damn thing rest for a minute.
I'm glad the camper will be fixed in a day or two and we can get out of New York and head out to the Dakotas as planned. I love all this urban adventure, and pick-pocketing on ice cold subways was a treat, but we're a nomad, gypsy family and we always need to be on the move. There's a lot of hustle, bustle and movement in New York City, but those millions of sweaty people are still stuck on one island. My little group, the equally sweaty Torso clan, is gonna make way for greener pastures, or whatever the hell they have in the Dakotas. I don't know. It's just two states we haven't kicked some shit in yet.
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Perpetual Toxins © 2006-2007 - All Rights Reserved |
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eave it to my husband, Chuck Torso, Nobel Prize in Literature winner, to have our camper van break down in midtown Manhattan during a hellish summer heat wave. Ok, truth be told, he stole that Nobel Prize, but dang if he wasn't cute, snuggling up with it at night, or giving fake acceptance speeches anytime he was locked up in the drunk tank. If only that man of mine had put as much effort into getting our camper van 'summerized', we wouldn't have been stuck for days in NYC.
