|
||
|
|
Graphic by Jeremy Grand
By Jeremy Grand
"So what's it like to be a celebrity, Paris?" I asked her.
"Well, like, cool I guess. There's always like these stupid people like asking for my like autograph and stuff all the time. But those jerks at Guh...Gen...Ga..."
"Guinness?"
"Yeah, that record book, said I was overrated! Me! I'm Paris! I am like soooo not overrated!"
And I said, "Well maybe a little. What have you done but show up at parties and have an amateur porn video."
"Ugh, don't forget my new album, Paris! I, like, cried when I listened to it!"
"Did you know that your music video was banned in India?"
"Yeah, whatever. All they do is eat corn and scalp people anyway. Oh! And I totally got killed in that horror movie. That was something!"
"That was something alright."
"That was HOT!"
"Almost hot. More like lukewarm." I shouldn't have said that because she went into a fit and slashed at me with her precisely manicured claws.
"HOT HOT HOT!!!" she screamed, then stopped so she could fix her hair.
As I held my face bleeding I said, "Hey wanna go get a Big Mac from McDonald's?"
"Mc-what?" she replied.
"Forget it. How about we go downtown for some falafel?"
"Fa-what?"
"Never mind. Ok, then how ab-"
"You know," she said as we passed a mirrored building, "I look sooo good today."
"You look good every day," I said, avoiding another cat-scratch.
"I know, I just wanted to hear it from someone else."
"So is your stupidity just an act on that TV show of yours?"
"What TV show? Ohhh yeah. No ... YES. Yes, it's an act. That slut Nicole really is dumb though. I mean REALLY dumb. She thought I was a natural blonde! Plus, she thought I was the heir to the Hilton hotel chain!"
"But you ARE the heir to the Hilton hotel chain. Remember, estate tax break..."
"Huh?"
"Bush gave people like you cheaper taxes so you can always have a lot of money to waste."
"Ohhh. Really? Bush is so cute. I wish he could be everyone's mayor!"
"Hey Paris, doesn't your arm get tired carrying that little dog around all the time?"
"Ugh, yes! I don't really like him anymore. He licked me the other day and smeared my makeup! I need to start a new trend anyway ... maybe I'll get a llama. They are soooo cute, and I won't have to carry him. And they are like so fluffy and stuff!"
"They also spit."
"Ugh, never mind. I'll just buy a fake pet for my keychain."
"Want to go to Chinatown then?"
"Ewwww!!! No! It smells like fish!"
"Well that's because of all the fresh fish mark-"
"Whatever. I'm getting a fat check for partying at some party somewhere for someone or something tonight. I can't smell like fish. And there's no WAY I'd be caught dead even NEAR a fake Prada bag!"
"Pop quiz! Who's the Prime Minister of England?"
"Pruh Mi-whuah of where? I don't like this game. Let's play shopping spree at Bergdorf's!"
"But I don't have any mon-"
"Ugh, who cares," and she grabbed my arm and pulled me in, foaming at the mouth in a frenzy. In about five minutes she racked up a credit card bill of about $400,000. "It's OK, daddy's paying. He makes a lot of money doing something boring, I don't know."
"Hilton hotels?"
"Huh? Whatever, it's boring. I have to pee." So Paris went to the bathroom and I waited about a half an hour. She changed her outfit and threw the old one in the trash.
"Paris," I said, "You have a little something, something on your face."
"Oopsie!" she said as she wiped a bit of white powder from her nose.
"Good thing I'm in Bergdorf's ... No wrong kind of people. All the right kind! I want a latté!"
So we went to Starbucks and got Paris a latté. She put a nickel in the tip jar and we were on our merry way.
It was getting late and Paris had to get ready for whatever she was going to so we said our good-byes.
"Well Paris, I sure had a good ti-"
"Whatever. What was your name again? Eh, who cares. Ciao! Love ya!" and she turned and waltzed right into the glass door of her building. She shook off and fixed her hair and said, "That doorman is as good as fired."
I went home and took a nice hot shower.
0 8 . 2 5 . 0 6
Perpetual Toxins © 2006-2007 - All Rights Reserved |
|
aris and I were out shopping on Fifth Avenue the other day when I asked her, "Hey Paris? When you fart, do $100 bills shoot out your ass?" She gave me a look like she actually DID fart and said, "No, but I do shit gold bricks!" And we laughed and laughed and laughed some more until her breast fell out of her Pucci dress. "OMG! WM! LOL!" she shouted as a paparazzi photographer snapped a picture for Star magazine. "Shit," she said, and brushed it off as if it happens all the time.
