By Mrs. Chuck Torso

Friends and readers, like in life, I like stealing from others online. That's how a busy woman on the run, such as myself, gets her dinner and whore-derves ideas. I've pushed thoughts of my husband, Chuck, out of my mind and have gone on a cooking binge. My kids are kinda worried; we still don't have a plan of attack, or even a destination to ravage. Still, they know this is tough on me and are giving me space in my cramped camper-van kitchen.

I stole these recipes from some site called "Robbie's Recipies." After careful review, it seems like every recipe I picked was considered white trash! How d'ya like that shit? Mrs. Doris Torso, a.k.a. Mrs. Chuck Torso, white trash! I guess our tastes do reveal some truth about ourselves. Anyway, this is the delicious shit I've been cooking recently. The first recipe is a favorite of Wolf's and Gunner's. They like to munch on it while coming down off crank.

Robbie's Cream Cheese & Ham Balls

Submitted By: who fuckin' cares
Preperation Time: 2:20
Serves: 12

Ingredients:
1 bunch of green onions - rinsed, dried
2 small packages of Budding sliced smoked ham
8 ounce cream cheese - softened
1 tablespoon real mayonnaise
1 tablespoon lemon juice

How to make it:
Thinly slice green tops of onions; discard white ends. Dice ham into small, confetti-sized squares. With a spoon, combine all ingredients in a bowl. Spoon mixture onto center of cellophane square, gather edges together, and form mixture into a ball. Using a twisty-tie, seal cellophane. Refrigerate at least 2 hours, but best if overnight. Unwrap and spread onto Ritz crackers.

Notes: To make into a dip, rather than a spread, add small amounts of milk until desired consistency.

Oh, those boys have been gobblin' up "Robbie's Cream Cheese & Ham Balls" so hard it's practically unnatural! Now, Cindy has really had her eye on me making "Robbie's White Trash Mix." I don't know why she likes this snack so much, but Lord, the drugs she's been pumping into her body since her daddy went away with the pigs. I dunno. Make it. Don't make it. Eat it. Choke on it.

Robbie's White Trash Mix

Recipe By: some woman
Serves: 10
Preperation Time: 0:20

Ingredients:
1 cup Cheerios
1 cup corn OR rice Crispex
1 cup pretzel sticks
1 cup peanuts OR cashews
12 ounce bag vanilla baking chips
1 tablespoon vegetable oil OR peanut oil

How to make this bitch:
Combine cereal, pretzels and nuts in bowl; set aside. Melt vanilla chips in the microwave or in the top of a heated double boiler. Stir oil into melted vanilla chips. Pour vanilla mixture over dry mixture and stir to coat. Press onto waxed paper and allow to cool overnight. Break up into pieces before serving.

So there's a taste of what I've been cooking in the camper-van. I'm sure I'll have stories of mayhem and death soon enough, but just for a bit longer, I'd like to sit back, eat my crap, drink my pina coladas, and avoid the inevitable. My inevitable? Planning the Torso's next reign of terror all by myself. And that, surprise, surprise, is a tougher task than making white trash snacks.

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